Something they don't tell you when you start mental health/real self care.
Self care is HARD. I don't mean the 'I got out of bed/I ate/ I took a shower' etc. aspect of it. I am not taking away from those aspects. Even as I write this, I have not eaten or showered (I did, however, take my medication and belt out ALL of Lorde 's 'Melodrama' album while cleaning the living room). Those aspects are the EASY hard.
I am talking about what you lose in Self Care.
I am talking about the people who will drift out of your life because they don't understand your newly set boundaries. People who will test them, see how far you can stretch. People who get offended because you can't make it to ALL the events, because maybe it's time to take some time to yourself. People who are confused by the fact that numbing yourself out with the same dangerous coping mechanisms is not what you want anymore, and think you are trying to be better than them. The people who see your new (and hard earned, well deserved) self respect as 'being selfish' or worse. bridal shower gowns
'Selfish' is going to be my next tattoo, in the prettiest font.
Every Single Day I get a little bit more of myself back. I am so transparent about my life with illness but still try to paint it hopefu. This is what stigma does to us. l but some days, I can't hold it all together. Some days I am a mess of awful and tears and running makeup and no tissues. Sometimes I slip up and revert to old coping mechanisms and do stupid things. I am learning, I am growing, I am not ok with my old status quo.
I am ok with losing others in the fight to save myself. Because I am learning the hardest lesson-- Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
I am thankful for others who stick around, who see the change in me and are still on board. 2018 has the potential to be great, and there are scary things peeking out of corners that I have been putting off for a while, so it has the potential to be another life flipper too. But I am ready to face it with a new # sparklebrain . One that may be even sparklier.
Hope this helps someone and thanks for being here. I know that survival takes work. Now go look in a mirror and say these words.
'I am not guilty. I am worthy of genuine happiness. I will honor my authentic self. 2018 is the year of me.'
<3 , SaraEve Fermin